In the beginning, yoga’s beauty benefits were obvious, so I stuck out my first 30 consecutive day challenge. Fast forward to today, looking back, I understand my deeper attraction was inner freedom.

A part of my story - looking back and understanding why the yoga ‘stuck’ for me:

The mind will trap us in a rumination loop when we hold someone else accountable for how we feel in our hearts due to their behavior.  Meaning literally in our own bodies. Our inner heart is our personal space.

Rumination will drive us into leading our lives without consciousness, meaning we will cycle similar experiences into our reality. 

My mother recently sent a message to me with a song attached.  The message read that her intention with the song was to help me understand how she felt during the times she was suicidal.  

The back story in one sentence:  When I was 10years old my biological father jumped off a bridge,  my mother would subsequently say she was going to do the same thing and then get in her car and go for a drive. 

This psychologically trapped me and pushed my personality and life choices until I made my pain conscious. 

Having a suicidal parent is one thing,  having one of them actually do it and then the other saying they will do the same thing plays a certain tune on an adolescent’s development. 

The venture forward from this looks like staunch mirroring.  A vivid visual on the world is formed.  Heightened assessment of current circumstances is pursued and the sooner you can get away the better.  

Escape from feeling feelings you do not know how to feel,  creates a nightmare life.  Meaning you struggle to wake up from your dream of pain. 

‘Nothing is as it seems’ - is a tool I held onto to ‘swim’ through my mind and try to make my life look opposite to my feelings and my view of human connection.  I would see things that were contrary to the pain in my heart and try to lean into that.  I did this somewhat successfully.  

When it comes to my passion to rewire my nervous system and truly feel safe I pursue it with the support of physical and mental therapy.   

In my yoga practice what we often call “muscle memory” involves learning complex adaptations within the nervous system, the coordination between the brain, sensory systems and muscles.  Through repetition of the same sequence in 90min we shift the base line of familiarity and automate balance with breath. 

Managing expectations of people based on their role or rather ‘label’ in life has been helpful in mental therapy.  Meaning a mother and a father is firstly a human.  We impress ideas of how these ‘roles’ should play out in life’s arena only to be disappointed.  

The key to relieving oneself of the battle of expectations is to strip bare that expectation on yourself.  To recognize your own humanity and the right to live your own life,  with your own choices for yourself. 

Setting yourself free from yourself is an art form.  

Namaste,

Marah